Thursday, October 8, 2009

Today He Was Supposed to Be Born

Today is the day that Tucker was due. My guess is he probably would have been born today because the Dr. told us he was right up to the day. I honestly didn't realize it until I had a good look at the date. Today is the day that I decided to start this blog and maybe take one more step and start to right in this book. I felt that I wanted people to know who he was and how he could have been. When people die, everytime they are talked about it is always in the past tense. I just cant do that. He IS my son and he IS cute. Just because he is not with me does not make these things true anymore.

The last couple have months have gotten better but it is still hard. I still cry when I think about him and I start to get stuck on what could have been or what should have been but I know it wont change anything.

Our beginning

Trevor and I have been dating for almost 3 1/2 years. We found out we were going to have a baby in March. I was 11 weeks along when we found out. It was the biggest shock in the world but we knew we would get through it. We found out in May that it was going to be a boy and let me tell you that baby was proud to be a boy. He wanted us to know by mooning the camera :) When we had our first ultra sound he already had quite the personality. Wouldn't sit still and kept sticking his tongue out every time the nurse tried to get a picture of his face. He was always quite the mover and we began to feel more and more happy about him. We had everything ready to go we were just waiting for him. The end of July I started having really bad belly and back pains. I ended up going to the hospital and all they came to was that it was some sort of stomach virus. I went home and we just went on going and I felt fine. I went to the doctor for my next appointment and everything was fine. He had a heart beat of 154 and everything was fine. He had started to slow down in moving but I just figured he was finally running out of room. That weekend I started having those pains again but I just let them go because they acted like it was nothing the last time i went. I had called the hospital to see if they could give me any advice and all they said was that i should come in and they would check it out. I should have taken there advice... Monday I was fine but I woke up Tuesday crying, not feeling any pain but just knowing that something wasn't right. I called the doctor and told the nurse that he had slowed down in moving and that I had had those pains. She told me to come in that they could fit me in between appointments. I showed up and waited for the doctor to come in. She had me lay down and she would check the heartbeat but she couldn't find one. She had said that she could get a faint one but she just couldnt get it right. She said we'd get an ultra sound and have things checked out. We went down to get the ultra-sound and it was just like any other day until we went into that room. I layed down on that bed and I had never been so nervous in my life. The nurse put that thing on my belly and the picture came through. It was almost serreal. It looked...almost empty. Just not as lively as it was the last two times we had seen. The nurse took some measurements and then did the color part to see the blood flow and there was no color. At that point I had no idea. She said she'd be right back and left. She came back in and rolled around on my belly a little bit more and then my doctor walked in and at that point I knew it wasn't good. The nurse showed her some things and that was when we heard the words " I'm so sorry" I have never cried so hard in my life nor had I ever seen Trevor cry. They both left to give Trevor and I some time. I was so scared because I didnt know what would come. The doctor came back in and told me that we had to get him out or else worse things would happen for me. She gave us the options to start then, go home and come back that night or come back the next day. We decided to come back that night. We went home and Trevor called his mom at work and I lost it when I heard him tell her that we lost the baby. I had tried calling my parents but no one would answer so I left a message after the second time to have them call me. I was trying to hold back the tears. We got things ready, like when we had planned for the due day. My mom finally called and the first thing she said is "what's wrong?" She could hear me holding back the tears in the message. I asked her to get my dad on the other line but he wasnt home so I told her what happened. I told her I needed her. I didnt want to do this without her. That I couldnt do this without her. She told me she'd be on her way asap. Trevor's mom came home from work early and helped us to get ready. She said she would go out and tell Trevor's dad because she knew we didnt want to that we just couldnt. So we all headed on our way. On our way to the hospital my dad called and kept asking if everything was ok with me he knew emotionally I wasnt ok but he was afraid something would go wrong with me. He helped me keep my mind off of things and we talked for the longest we have in a long time. He told me everything would be ok and to keep my chin up. We arrived at the hospital and our new journey began. They had to induce the labor and start from the beginning. Time went by so slow and I just wanted the whole thing to be over but Tucker just wasnt ready to go I guess. People came to visit and we talked about everything but what was going on. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. I had talked to my dad everyday because he couldn't be there and we talked about what I ate. He joked with me and asked how the steak and lobster was. Then on Thursday August 20th contraction finally started. I went with the epidural because the doctor wanted me to be as comfortable as possible seeing as what the outcome was going to be. I agreed. Why go for the pain if you arent going to have the joy you wanted. 6:00 p.m. my dad called and we talked and I started going into labor labor. Go figured that talking to my dad would do that. I got off the phone with him at 6:25 and by 6:31 p.m. My baby boy was born. I dont care what anybody tells me he was BORN. They cleaned him up and I held him. I don't even know how long I held him but then they took him away to take the pictures and do other things and they told me if I wanted to hold him again I could but we felt we had already said our goodbyes. Now I wish I had held him again. I should have held him for hours but I knew if i did I would never let him go. I was discharged the next day and had received the Dreams of You basket. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. They took the prints of his hands and feet and jeez did he have my big feet :) The kid was only 32 weeks and had the feet of a full size baby. They also got some locks of his hair and from the tiny bit they got it looked like it was my strawberry blonde. I held that bear so close and cried with it every night. It was like that was my baby. We had Tucker cremated and we are holding onto him until we have a place of our own. Since it may be awhile before we have a permanent place. We are going to make a little memorial garden for him that we can have where ever we go.

It is hard for me to not think about what I did wrong. I feel responsible for what happened and just can't grasp the fact that it was an act of God. All I can think about is what if I did or I should have done that. Or what did I do that he would do this. I've gotten better but not as good as I could be. Trevor has taken it a lot better than I have but then again he is a gut they just deal with things differently. So far, what has happened, hasnt affected our relationship. Which I am thankful for.